there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
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