o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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