you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
