Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
