Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
