I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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