How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
