i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
