Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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