Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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