I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
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I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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