one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
