oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
