Moan for me like Helen Keller
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
