I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
