her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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