I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
