First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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