I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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