i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
