Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
