I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
