If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
