I accidentally had phone sex last night
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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