My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
