Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
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I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
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As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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