the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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