I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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