dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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