Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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