Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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