are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
