I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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