YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
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I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
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No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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