please come you make the beer taste better
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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