The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
