I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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