sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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