I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
