one might say we're banned from that church
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
