I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
