She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
