dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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