Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
