thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
