i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I cut my penus on the lid.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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