Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
