watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
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