I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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