We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
