I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
