I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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