I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
