dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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