Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
