She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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